Wednesday, 16 March 2016

Local eatery disgusting


Local Gourmets' Best Kept Secret: Wok City! Wok City's Best Kept Secret: Rat Infestation!

The great food and low prices at Wok City, behind the retail park, next to the Royal Mail depot, are a jealously guarded secret by a small band of loyal diners, keen to keep the buffet eatery all to themselves!
Wok City also has something it wants to keep to itself. The kitchen is completely overun by foul diseased vermin.
New customers who want to rave about the fine Asian cuisine to friends and family, are told by regulars: "Shhh! Don't tell everyone or they'll all want to come here."
While the owners of Wok City also tell their staff: "Shhh! Don't tell the council about the disgusting rats or they'll want to come here and prosecute us for several serious health and safety violations."

Local arthropod boast


Duh! I'm Not A STICK! Brags Annoying Stick Insect

"You actually thought I was a stick. But I'm not a stick. I'm a stick INSECT!", gloated a cocky stick insect yesterday.
"He-llo? Would a stick have MANDIBLES? Would a stick have EYES, protruding from its' stick shaped, stick coloured stick-like exoskeleton? I hardly think so.
"Now that is a stick. Over there", he added, pointing to another stick insect.

Local safety concerns


New Playground Equipment 'May Occasionally' Catapault Child Into Space

Makers of a modern kid's climbing frame designed to "provide stimulating situations for challenging play" claim it is perfectly safe, though some catapaulting may occur if used incorrectly.
A representative for PlaYeQuiP commented: "Kids are bored with the usual climbing frames, monkey bars, slides, swings, they want something more adventurous. Which is why we came up with the Whirly-Slingshooter-Facesmash Play Base.
"It's fun, it's different, it may launch users beyond the pull of Earth's gravitational field."